Struggles Lately

I am a 28-year-old, petite, blonde, female climbing coach, a male-dominated industry. I have been married to my husband for just over two years, I have a Master's degree in U.S. Foreign Policy from American University, a Bachelor's degree in Chinese and Political Science from Indiana University, and I am a published author. (I'm not kidding.) I worked on President Obama's first political campaign, I studied abroad in China, and have also been to Africa (Zimbabwe), Mexico, the Bahamas, St. Lucia, Germany (twice), France and Grand Cayman. I have an advanced scuba certification from SPE Dive School in Bethesda, Maryland, have done deep-, night- and shipwreck dives up to 110 feet, and I lived in Washington, DC for five years after graduating from IU. I have overcome a lot of adversity in my life, and am very outspoken and open about my opinions and experiences.

I have felt really concerned, lately, that upon meeting me, none of these things, accomplishments, or bases of knowledge come through. Like I come off like a dumb, bubble-headed blonde with no intellect or basic life experience in my head. Lately, I have been struggling to be myself. Really struggling. Questioning myself, my personality, and my actions. Checking my word choice and vocal inflection every time I open my mouth. "Do I sound intelligent? Will this person take me seriously? Do I sound like a valley girl?" I am a very loud, exuberant, passionate, boisterous, (and maybe ridiculous) petite blonde whose hair is dyed half blue-and-purple. I look like I'm about 18 years old, and maybe I act that way, too. I think I have a very "east coast" demeanor and personality, and coming back to the Midwest has, in some ways, made me question whether or not the person I am is okay. Isn't that ridiculous? I know it's ridiculous, but again, I'm very open about my experiences and want to write about this one here.

I don't think people always take me seriously, and that sort of bothers me (or, at least, has been bothering me lately). I never questioned myself before I moved, and perhaps the cultural differences between the east coast and the Midwest are what are calling myself into question now. I am a highly intelligent woman, but I'm concerned that the person I'm comfortable being (loud, boisterous, funny, expressive) makes me come across like an air head. Perhaps I'm just far too concerned with what other people think about me, or perhaps this is what happens when you're in your late 20's and are finally coming into yourself and feeling comfortable being who you are. Comfort begets discomfort? What a strange dichotomy.


1 comments:

  1. I don't know you in real life, so I don't know how you would come across. But if people cannot see beyond an easy going nature, they are the ones who need to work on their intelligence a bit! Anyway, there are times I wish real life was like writing, where you cannot see how a person looks or speaks and the focus is exclusively on the content. Obviously, everyone reading your blog can tell you are intelligent. :)

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